"The fellow who pushes the most goods, does the most good." - J. Walter Thompson
It is said that if you build a better mousetrap, the world will beat a path to your door. Whoever said that obviously never spoke to the inventors of the perpetual motion machine, the car that runs on water, or psychic pain relievers.
Brilliant work is continually lost to the forces of oblivion because brilliant people, such as yourself, all too often cannot express their ideas in crude terms understandable by the common man.
Commerce has always been impeded by the requirements of getting a message to the masses. The old methods, from snake-oil hucksters to billboards, are played out and spent. Newer methods, such as product placement, targeted email, and telemarketing are expensive, annoying, and possibly illegal. All, in any case, are variants on the same tired formulae.
What if there was a new way? An advertising system that was revolutionary, cost-effective, and best of all, not perceived by the subject as advertising?
How much would you pay?
PSYCHIC ADVERTISING
"It is hard to fight an enemy who has outposts in your head." - Sally Kempton
Psychic Advertising by the Merlin Foundation provides results where others offer promises.
Our methods are simple. The possibilities are limited only by your imagination.
We project your message directly into the mind of the consumer. Mass audiences, numbering in the billions, can be reached using thought amplification technology.
Or you may tailor your advertising to targeted groups. Our trained telepaths zero in on your key demographic, whether it's suburban bulimic girls, ages 16 to 21, or dues-paying members of the AARP. You don't need a mailing list. We know where they are.
Limited starting budget? No problem. We'll key in on the minds of designated "hipsters" of any gender, ethnicity, and generation you choose. Psychic manipulation of Trendsetters is child's play. Soon, they'll be extolling the wonders of your athletic shoes, salad dressing, life insurance, and anything else you need to sell.
Research show over ninety percent of traditional advertising is ignored. Nine percent has only subliminal effect at best. That's wasteful.
Our methods are more...forceful. Customers find it's not so easy to ignore "voices in their heads"...begging...imploring...commanding them to purchase [your name here] brand artificial stucco products.
The voices must be obeyed.
Our system is customized to meet your needs. Want an advertising jingle folks just "can't get out of their heads"? Or would you prefer to reinforce the customer with a neurochemical "buzz" every time he makes a sale?
The traditional advertising industry has worked miracles in molding consumer consciousness toward impulse buying. The people are like Pavlov's Dog, conditioned to buy, purchase, consume.
At merlin.org, we hold the "bell". Soon, the public dog will be drooling to purchase your products. And best of all, they'll think it was their own idea.
Still not sure?
Consider: we didn't "advertise" this service. You, like thousands of others, were drawn to us like a moth to a telepathic flame.
If you still have that mousetrap, we can beat the world's path to your door.
How can you afford not to have this service?
OTHER BUSINESS SERVICES
"Humans are such easy prey." - C.H.U.D. (Cannibalistic Humanoid Underground Dwellers)
We provide global business services, in addition to telepathic advertising. And our competitors can't touch us.
Consider Israeli spoonbender Uri Geller, the C.I.A.'s psychic Uncle Tom. Geller claims that of eleven businesses he assisted with psychic predictions, four made back considerably more than they spent on his services.
That means seven didn't.
Our long-range market divinations, driven by the technology of precognitive dissonance, are thorough, comprehensive, and one hundred percent accurate. No four-out-of-eleven, better-luck-next-time guesswork here. Every prognostication is guaranteed, or your money back.
With our astrologers guiding your every business decision, you simply can't embark on a failing venture. If you should, trust us. It will be for your own good. ("Pride goeth before a fall.")
We also offer psychic security. Shoplifters, light-fingered employees, IRS auditors, and other thieves can be detected before the fact. Your biggest trouble will be cleaning up their vaporized remains.
And finding enough wheelbarrows to haul your money to the bank!
We also offer expert services to suit your legal needs. Antitrust cases (a common problem for our longterm customers) are a breeze when your attorney knows the witnesses' answers before they take the stand.
Finally, we offer a number of special services to help you deal with unruly competitors. Please contact us at the address below for further details: Serious inquiries only, please.
Interested in our services? Contact