employment merlin.org
Are you starving, homeless, feeling lonely?

Willing to work for nothing in a harsh environment where failure is punished as it should be?

If so, we are looking for you!

We are looking for hard working talentless drones to work the saltmines to produce our valueless tripe-filled products, which we will then foist off on the unsuspecting populace through our advanced Sciences of Marketing.

We will make millions. You, on the other hand, will receive nothing. This is because you are a worthless bag of water and malignancy, scarcely better than a dumb brute. We, in contrast, are providing the vision, capital infrastructure, and business execution that adds value to this enterprise. So you deserve nothing.

Not only that, we can do it without you. But you can do NOTHING without us - you can't even support your feeble, highly imperfect excuse for a physical being. The single, only, and solitary reason we employ you instead of the machine is that you are cheap - so cheap, in fact - because you REFUSE to better yourselves in any way - not that you could, except in a few narrowly-defined ways which you of course are too stupified to grasp, that you represent only the most minor of costs to us. Machines have parts that can wear out, at least in theory. However, when your parts wear out we just toss you aside to rot on the heap with all of your kindred derelicts.

You are incapable of creation. You have no vision and no ability except the ability to get to the TV so that you can subsist on the scraps that fall from your masters' tables long enough to get back to the TV.

During the term of your "employment" with us, at no time will you speak directly to us. You will be issued your instructions via your screen and will adhere to them to the letter.

We're only writing this to entertain ourselves, as we know you lack the inclination and the intellectual wherewithal to read it. You never read anything, even if it is in your best interests to do so. Even if it were shouted at you from the rooftop, your supreme lack of attention span would cause you to lose interest almost instantly.

In conclusion, you are expendable. You will scarcely make a sound as we roll over you, and you will certainly not affect our course one iota.

Does this sound like the job for you?

If so, read our contract, sign it, have it witnessed and notarized, and send it in! We'll get back to you with your duties just as soon as we see fit!

If you have any further questions about the terms and conditions of your employment, please feel free to contact us at .

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